Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
my liver is dry heaving
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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