I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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