2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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