I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
