Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
did i walk over a car last night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
