there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
