i was born a porn star she said
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Too much gin, very little bucket
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
