fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My vagina is officially offended.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
