i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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