i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
