if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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