We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
the raccoons are back...
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