her vagine was all disorganized.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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