So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
