break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
