I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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