I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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