They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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