just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
