I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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