forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
