yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
