I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
