yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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