so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
