just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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