There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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