The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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