All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
