I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
