So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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