well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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