no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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