Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
