he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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