Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
