so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
