Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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