So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
