I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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