your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think your dad took our porno
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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