Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
