just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
