I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
