my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
