i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
