A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
