i just sent this text using only my big toe
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My liver just had a heart attack.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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