I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
