Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
