i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
