I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
