someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
