I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
